By Ogova Ondego
Published April 14, 2024
School holidays are not fun for 15-year-old Maria Wanja and 13-year-old Antony Keboge.
“My grandmother reads my chats and emails while my uncle eavesdrops on my telephone conversations. I also dislike my dad for browsing around my room when I am not there,” says Keboge.
Wanja has similar sentiments; “I am beginning to dislike my mother for snooping around on me; she goes through my stuff and listens in on my telephone conversations. What am I supposed to do?” she poses.
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The two are not alone. Kenneth Kabare, 16, also has a litany of complaints; “My dad follows me around and interrogates my friends on my behaviour while I am away from home. I have also discovered that he has assigned some people in the neighbourhood to keep an eye on me.”
Kenneth’s mother, Mary Atieno, believes parents should know what their adolescents are doing.
Although her own parents did not police her, there was no need for it then, she says.
“There were no drugs, Aids, violence and other vices characterising modem life. Don’t you think parents should protect their children against immoral influences?” she asks.
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Mary and Tony Kamau say loving and caring parents should use any means available to protect their children from negative influences.
The duo, who are parents of a daughter and a son, say they keep a tab on them by following them whenever they are at home during school holidays.
Some parents are so overcome by anxiety that they are resorting to practices not unlike espionage in order to keep their children on the straight and narrow. Their argument is that children should earn the trust of parents through action.
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Behavioural scientists caution teenagers against doing anything which could betray the trust parents have in them.
Once they start questioning their honesty, they point out, it is difficult not to use methods akin to espionage in keeping them on the track. The same experts, however, warn that spying on children undermines any foundation of trust a parent needs to build with one’s child.
Cautioning adolescents against lying their way out of something, RELATING magazine says, “If you want privileges and freedom, you have to let your parents know they trust you and that you are dependable.”
Teens are urged to take their parents into confidence, being open and not hiding things from them. They should also learn how to apologise when something goes wrong.
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Though spying on children may raise questions about privacy rights, Tom and Mary Kamau believe the protection of children outweighs their right to privacy and that they as parents will stop inspecting their rooms and pockets only when they grow up and get out of home as independent adults.
While Nancy Kinyanjui, a marketing executive, says there should be mutual trust and respect between parents and their teenagers, Angela Kamanzi, a mother of two, argues that spying on children betrays a lack of trust and respect for them.
“Parents ought to cultivate open lines of communication with their children, encouraging them to discuss anything with them,” Kamanzi says.
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Some parents and children say the best training is through experience and that parents should let their teens explore the world and learn about life on their own.
Deepa Shah, a student, says it is wrong for parents to spy on their children. “They should learn how to communicate and set ground rules for their relationship. My parents and I always discuss everything openly. There are no secrets between us.”
“Spying is adversarial,” cautions Fran Stott, Dean of Academic Studies at Erikson Institute, a postgraduate school in child development. “As parents, we are very anxious not to let children make mistakes, and our anxiety only causes worse problems than it solves.”
Parents should not turn a blind eye to symptoms of serous problems. Nevertheless, they
should use more straightforward ways of investigation.
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